I have for several reasons never had a strong bond or feeling towards the country I was born in, which is Germany. There was always some sort of bad taste, a certain scent, like a mouse died under a bed, leaving this half sweet, half disgusting smell, lingering, permeating everything. Some find it hard to pinpoint where this smell comes from - but let’s be honest: it comes from a certain type of person that is very much “beheimatet” in Deutschland. I have left the country about half a year ago. First I thought I would come back. But in the moment I decided not to, all I could feel was happiness and relief. Ever since I left, all I hear and read on the news, on social media and so forth are exclusively negative, bad, shocking, terrible things. Things that nightmares are made off. Things you wish you could wake up from. Things that if you dreamt them you would wake up sweating, if not screaming. Things were I personally ask myself how in the world the people most affected and threatened by these so called movements and angry citizens - People of Color, especially Women* of Color, non-Nazi white women*, (non-Nazi) members of the LGBTIQ* community, Muslims and Jews alike - do not pack their belongings right away to pay their taxes in other countries. It is a privilege to be able to run away, I know. Nevertheless the thought of survival - daily survival - crosses my mind. How do you do it? PEGIDA, AfD, NPD, Blablabla and the likes - all abbreviations for hate, hate, hate, self-pity, and more hate, hate, hate. Abbreviations that will in the end stand for murder and slaughter - in fact they do already anyway. Nazis, racists, misogynists, homophobes, hateful humans, ignorant people - everywhere, at all times, more and more and more. Partly, I am grateful to be able and privileged enough to run away - the other part of me feels guilty. Should I be there, rally, go demonstrate, show my face and make my voice heard? Do I want to give part of my life to this fight which I personally see as fruitless because it seems like it will never change anyway? Because the smell will forever linger. I chose for now to run away, to be selfish and enjoy the fact that there are very welcoming countries out there. I can only recommend it in terms of mental health and happiness. I wish the good people, the reasonable people, the people who have an actual heart, meaning a heart that actually feels, that is compassionate and able to learn from certain histories, could leave Germany all in one day. Leave the hateful, disgusting bunch alone. Sooner or later they would start devouring their own and maybe we could return to make Germany great. Not again. Just great. Because it was never great. There has always been at least one dead mouse under the bed of this nation.

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